just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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