It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
