I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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