party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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