this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize