oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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