So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize