I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
