I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Randomize