Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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