Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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