I am in a vortex of obligation.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
