chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
