Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
