I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
