a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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