I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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