Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
