i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
