And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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