Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
