I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
