is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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