Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
