I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
