You can't motorboat a personality
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
