Porn is love you can see.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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