Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Couch. On fire.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
