I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
