Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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