i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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