just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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