you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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