elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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