You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my phone needs a breathalizer
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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