my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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