I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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