$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
