I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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