Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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