Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
