So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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