I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
