tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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