I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
