First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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