I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
