Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
