Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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