My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
