I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
