My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
