Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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