If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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