I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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