Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
