I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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