i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize