I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize